I hate IIT. I hate the fact that I have had to waste years of my youth on something that is so fucking brain dead. Why did I spend two precious years of my life in one of the best schools of the country doing absolutely nothing? I didn't attend school much or its classes. Didn't take part in any extra-curricular activity. So many opportunities of exchange programs, debates, quizzes, drama, sports, concerts, parties gone waste - and why?? Not because I wasn't interested. Maybe not one of the best that were there in school but certainly with a potential. There was no better school than that to explore myself.
Why didn't I try wooing a girl there when I had full two years instead of making attempts now at a 3 day college festival where I randomly decide on a girl to talk to and it never materializes into something. Why didn't I make friends there with whom I could have gone partying? Why didn't I go on a exchange program there when I had the chance? Why didn't I play for four years of my life, something which I loved doing? Why didn't I learn a musical instrument in school?
Ohh.. yes, I was too busy studying for one of the most fucking prestigious examinations of the country. For entering a place where you are allocated your branch not on your interest (Ohh.. no, at IIT they never follow the "do what YOU want to do" principle), you are allocated branch on your performance in an examination which never told you about your interests at all. The place which for reasons I cannot fathom is compared to the best in the world - though mind you- only by us. Not by anyone else. It's a place which subsidizes education to ridiculously low levels which is just pure stupid charity because none of its alma matter bothers to give a token as a symbol of gratitude. They come here to leave. They have no gratitude for this place. This place only gave them a platform that was much higher than those around us. It did not change them or make them better in an way. It was just there. A tunnel you have to pass.
We are part of this process because we have always been a part of this process. Ever since in school, we have followed a chain that decided our path for us. If you (un)lucky enough to be one of the (so called)bright ones, you are forced to tread an even narrower path. You do what the bright student before you did. If he joined some coaching, so do you. If he changed cities, so do you. Ultimately, if you are bright enough, you make it to the hallowed portals of IIT which are infamous for reducing your interest in academics to levels that no one deemed possible.
You are stuck in the narrowed path once again. To do something here that that helps you get the best job -again according to other people- be it very high CPI, your talent in something or some "managerial" post that you managed to get yourself by politics. If you realize that may be this place is not for you as you do not want to do any of that stuff, you are in the middle of a fucking bridge where you don't want to go forward as that's not where you want to go nor can you turn back as that effectively puts to waste your whole life and you don't know any other path to take if you go back. You would have known your path if you would have paid attention to yourself in the first place. I sometimes think that compliments and wishes given by your relatives/neighbors/random stupid people you don't know are a curse as they make you believe in that ideal that you feel you should live up to even if that's not who you are. Why the fuck should I do academics/science - just because I get good grades in it. Do I have to officially suck at something so that I then look for something that I am really passionate about. It would have been better had I not gotten such good grades in school. Maybe then I would have explored myself and found something that my heart wants. Maybe if hadn't started performing "averagely" in IIT, I would have stuck with this even though I wasn't happy. I would have gone on to lead a perfectly normal, average life that almost everyone who leaves from here does. A well paying job, a house, an arranged marriage and the brand of IIT on our back that automatically certifies that you should be worshiped by people who are enamored by it or be stereotyped as self-centered, stupid ass as most of the wiser people (specially girls) in other colleges do.
So how do I find my vocation? I don't know. I am as clueless as the guy who didn't do well in school and is now somewhere in some random college (note the condescending tone in my voice). And to top it all, I didn't have fun (fun that I wanted to have) in life. That fun now seems like a basic necessity of life. The mind always seeks to fulfill that requirement first. I am fucking 20 for God's sake. When is there going to be a time when I get to do all the things that I want to do? People tell me that you explore yourself and find what you want to do? I don't know. And that doesn't seem to be important right now. I am just going through the motions. After all, if I could resist every temptation that the city of Delhi was offering, I can certainly pass years yearning for those temptations without ever getting them. There is no purpose in life. Only the purpose of relaxing, something that is not on the bridge. It's there just besides you but off that bridge. You have to jump off the bridge to go there. But that's never gonna happen. Only when that happens in your life will you even think about the higher motives of life. Right now, everything is on hold. Except time..